Good Inside - Knowing our job

Know your job

Going on with my notes on the book Good Inside.

Reading the chapter "Know your job" I'd like to highlight a few things that caught my attention.

Two parts of the brain

Dr Becky mentions the concept of "The Whole-Brain Child" that says in other words that our kids, when in development, have their brains divided in two parts that we can understand as the ground floor and the first floor of a two-story house. She explains that the ground floor is relative to the part of the brain responsible for basic and easier functions, while the first floor processes harder work, such as reasoning, empathy, and things that take more energy.

So our job as parents is to serve as the connector, or the stairs that help them create this connection from the ground floor to the first floor.

This two-story house concept reminds me of the two main systems of the brain, often described as part of dual-process theory, which are System 1 (fast, automatic, emotional) and System 2 (slow, effortful, logical). System 1 acts quickly with little effort, while System 2 requires conscious attention and reasoning

So, how to build this connection?

The gap between experiencing a strong feeling - first floor receives this flood of emotions - and being able to have a regulated - reasoning, empathic - response often results in dysregulated behavior. So this gap happens when the stairs aren't built in this house.

In order to build this connection, we need to understand our job. My job as a parent is to protect my kid mentally and physically. To provide validation and empathy to their feelings, while still protecting them and imposing boundaries. If I am validating and being empathetic, I allow my kid to understand that it is ok to feel that way and allow them to understand they're just having a bad time. I allow them to think better and access this part of the "house" that will allow them to feel better. With this they can cope more and become more self-aware, more in control of their emotions. The opposite of this is suppression and more bad behavior

How to fight fire

Still on the two-floor concept, if the house is on fire, we need to be the water in the firefighting system. We will do no good by responding to bad behavior with more fuel. I am not saying that energy shouldn't be there when needed, especially if physical intervention is necessary to protect them.

However, it is very sad to imagine what goes on in a kid's brain when they're having a meltdown, and we respond only with more stress - I understand we can break sometimes, that shouldn't make us automatically evil, but the challenge is to always be mindful of our actions and try to improve our relationships. Our job is to protect them and show them how life is. There are things they need to accept, such as they can't do everything, but at the same time, enabling them to calmly understand all around will provide them with the superpowers of accessing these multiple realities.