Good Inside - Multiple Realities

Continuing my notes on the book Good Inside.

On the day-to-day, when making sure kids get to school on time, or asking if they have all the equipment for a swimming class, or basically in any other struggles at home, it is very easy to get caught up in the rush and just pursue goals relentlessly. But this can make us overlook a few important aspects of our relationship with our kids.

Two things are true

Just because I am watching a bad behavior in their response, it is important - if I would like to raise an emotionally stable person - to understand that multiple realities are going on. In conflicting moments, it is important to acknowledge the other person's reality, that they're going through struggles, and that bad behavior is often the symptom of something else going on.

Remember that saying: "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about"? Everyone includes our kids. We know our kids a lot, but not entirely in their world. Accepting that they're detached and autonomous is a growing step as parents.

It doesn't mean that I should give up my beliefs, my end-goal, just to stop bad behavior and spoil my kid. It means that by acknowledging multiple realities, I can understand that two things are true: my kid can't have extra TV time, and yet they can be frustrated about it. I will be firm to them but still be there to acknowledge their struggles.

I see this comprehension of multiple simultaneous realities as a superpower that helps us be better not only at parenting but also in environments like work and in relationships. It is so underrated. Being able to pause at the right "moment before the storm", stepping back and seeing yourself and the situation from the outside, allows us to think better, acknowledge other people's realities, and react better. Much better. I know, it must be the single hardest thing I can think of right now.

In this mode, understanding provides better outcomes than acting as an advocate for ourselves and trying to convince others, since this triggers their defense mode. So Understanding should result in convergence, whereas trying to convince others leads to building walls.